I need to quit eating white carbs. Hoo boy.

My freaky freaking body, man.

I love how a size zero skirt is loose around my waist, but I struggle to pull it over my ass, and then it is still too long. Thanks, apparel industry. You have found a way to create clothing that is both too big and too small for me.

I love how size 2 jeans create an enormous gap at the back of the waistband thanks to my hourglass figure, but make my thighs look like stuffed sausages.

Apparently they are willing to make jeans that fit my body, provided I lose the junk in my trunk. Oh, and it would be nice if I would just grow six inches taller too, while I’m at it.

This is why I do not buy $200 jeans, by the way.

Grrr.