I just watched this French movie called “The Last Day”.

It was pretty lame. I mean, it had a few good scenes, all of which were saved by the lead actor Gaspard Ulliel. The camera adores him. Overall the direction was all over the place and the pacing was glacial. It was way too long. And within its longness, some of the scenes were just too long and pointless. Hello, editor? For example, there were several loooong scenes of Gaspard swimming laps in a pool. No explanation, no contribution to the story. He’s just swimming along, showing off that lean perfect body of his, doing different strokes. For like five minutes. La la la. Um.

I mean, the whole thing was so fucking FRENCH. People staring sadly into the distance for minutes at at time. Shitty pop music. Everyone chain-smoking. Jerky handheld camerawork and inappropriate closeups. Pretentiousness. Me having no idea what the fuck is going on, even though I am capably reading the subtitles.

Don’t get me wrong, as I said before, I love French things. I love French films. Just not this one.

So, plot: there’s this freeloading slutty girl who hooks up with (well, not sexually) Gaspard on the train on the way to his parents house in the country for Christmas. They end up sharing his bed, but don’t Do It. Which didn’t make too much sense (unless you know the SHOCKING twist). The girl ends up macking on his friend, Mathieu. Gaspard is about 5000x hotter than this dude. What is the matter with her?? Oooh, maybe she read the last page of the script! Also wondering: did Gaspard hook up with Mathieu? At some point? Because I don’t know who he is more jealous of. It is hinted at.

I think the director of this movie had a little crush on his lead actor. Gaspard spends a lot of time just wandering around in his underwear or as I mentioned before, swimming. No complaints here, by the way. It was a nice distraction from the watch-checking. Also there is a hot/disturbing scene where he jerks off in his friend’s bed. NICE. He’s fully clothed, but it doesn’t matter. You’re welcome!

Ok, here are two spoilers. These bugged me because they were extremely hackneyed and difficult to buy. First of all, the mysterious girl? Is his sister! No wonder they didn’t screw! Because, get this! His mom got knocked up by some other guy! Salope! Mon dieu!

Upon finding out the girl he fantasized about was his sister, and that he himself is a bastard and his mother a whore, what does Gaspard do? Remember, this movie is French. Yes, he immediately goes and gruesomely kills himself. AND SCENE. Roll credits! What?

So yeah. Kind of a bad little arty movie, but worth it for brief periods of this person almost naked.