So I am curious about people’s opinions on something.
Since I left my job and became a stay at home wife, I have voluntarily taken charge of almost all of the cooking, cleaning, and household errands and chores. There are several reasons for this: I don’t mind doing it; I need things to occupy my time anyway; and I am now somewhat dependent on Brian for money (I have a pretty big balance in my savings account, but that is for the House and not to be touched).
That said, is it “fair” for me to be doing all the housework etc? I am not complaining, just curious what people think. Brian is working hard for his company, albeit remotely. I think I would feel guilty to ask him to clean the house, too, for some reason.
When I was still working, I still cooked dinner most of the time, but we shared housework fairly equally (though I always washed and changed the bedding, but whatever).
Another important factor: while we live here, at my father’s house, we are not paying any rent. We will pay for utilities and food and so on, but not having to pay that extra $1850 a month is a big help. There was a brief period when we thought Brian might quit his job and just look for something in Seattle, in which case we might both be unemployed, which I think would mean me expecting him to pitch in more. Hmm.
Anyway. Time for sleep. Goodnight.
Well, I’ve found, gender notwithstanding; there’s always a dominant chef in a couple. That’s usually me! 😀 Because I really like to cook and generally do a good job with it. And, I know how to make creme brulee.
But, asides that, if I were out of work, I’d totally pick up the chores around the house. Way I see it, there’s a pool of tasks to be done, including work to keep a house goin’.. So, if one is working the only job in that pool, there’s the rest of the chores for the other to do to keep things even. But, I am sure, that there is always some spillage and the ‘worker’ is not totally excused from all chores. Like, if I worked and the other cooked, tis only polite to do the dishes. And distasteful tasks like cleaning the rain gutters go faster when shared, etc etc.
well you say that you voluntarily are doing it so sure, it’s fair
I think “fair” is defined between you and Brian.
Just because you’re willing to clean house doesn’t mean that your partner can just throw his trash on the floor and leave dishes everywhere and expect you to get drinks from the fridge. I don’t see that happening anyway in your relationship–that trap where one person acts like a teenager and the other the servant isn’t one you’re likely to fall into.
But you might help him know where you’d like him to contribute–whether that’s folding laundry or helping with the dishes after you cook. That’s just communication–and it keeps both of you from guessing and from hidden resentments.
Totally agree with Stinky and she said it so much better than I would’ve. Also, having to do household chores when you have large amounts of unstructured time can be a lifesaver, imo. It can give you a great feeling of accomplishment and serenity on bad or frustrating writing days. At least, that was my experience when I was in a similar situation.
oh this just happened to us this past month when I wasn’t working…
I took over all the household chores, but we both realized that wasn’t really fair. He generally does the litter boxes now and then, takes out garbage, gets rid of the trash, helps dry laundry (we air dry)…and after we discussed it, he even put himself in charge of bathroom cleaning! 😀 Just talk to Brian about it, and delegate some tasks? 🙂
I would say it’s fair to have you do the bulk of the housework if that’s your understanding with Brian–which means you’re ok with it and Brian won’t abuse your help. If he wasn’t working, of course things should be different. I know how hard Brian works, and I don’t think picking up the slack should make you feel like a stepford wife. That said, Brian shouldn’t be leaving his dirty-ass socks on the kitchen table for you to clean up, just because housework is your “job” for the time being.
I meant to speak up on this sooner, sorry about the lateness. James and I have our way of “fitting” together on the housework front. I work out of the home, so with my commute time, I am gone some ten or so hours per day. Then, Jimbo works some evenings and usually the majority of a whole weekend day. In the past we have worked in opposite roles, and at the same time… But since early in our relationship that is now rounding the bend to being nine years old, he’s cooked most of the time, I have vacuumed more, we ebb and flow when it comes to laundry… I personally have a vendetta due to being the laundry lady for my folks and myself from age 14 through about 24, a decade of folding a civil engineer’s socks and my mom’s turtlenecks, I almost died. Oops, off track. So we simply have found how we make the household work, but he does more, as the one that works less out of the home. So dunno, though my heart of hearts tells me that Brian could give ya a hand more, but that is due to Jimbo’s strong House Husband Fantasticness.
Yeah I think we should probably have a formal discussion of it so there are no misunderstandings. He has always been very amenable so I am sure he will agree to taking over one particular chore. But not too many, because I still need things to do!