I have a couple dozen bottles of nail polish in the hall closet. Pretty little colorful glass jewels, all needing a very good shake. For some reason, a year and a half ago, nail polish was very important to me. I would color my fingernails every week. I pounced on limited colors; I was very discerning.
Now I am lucky to find time to cut and file my nails (I keep them short — they grow fast because of the vitamins), much less a spare hour to paint and dry them.
I have a dozen handbags in my bedroom closet. Beautiful, timeless, classic handbags. “Investment” pieces. Back when I had disposable income, I sought out these things, obsessed over them. Where was my head? But I loved them, and in a way I still do.
Yet they sit there undisturbed in their soft cloth bags, hidden from light and dust. Most of them I can’t bear to part with still, because I know my life won’t always be about baby baby baby. My little girl and I will someday go shopping in the big city together. And she will inherit all of my pretty things.
I have a jewelry box on my dresser. Every week I swipe the dust from its lid. It contains earrings that dangle, tiny diamonds, pearls, white gold, sterling silver. I once loved wearing necklaces and bracelets.
Now the only jewelry I wear is my wedding band, and a braided leather loop around one wrist, which I use to tell me which side is next for the nursling. Freya would grab at earrings, rub her face on a necklace (or post earrings; she is very snuggly), be pressed against a bangle as I carry her around. So the jewelry is also in hibernation.
I was thinking about these things as I went for our walk yesterday, thinking about how motherhood fundamentally changed me.
When you are single and childless, the choices you make, everyday choices, are for you. When will I eat? When will I go to bed? Will I go shopping? You are very focused on yourself. It’s me me me me me me. Now that I have a baby, my wants come second. And her needs come first, always. That is part of attachment parenting. I have temporarily sacrificed a lot of my pretty things, but in the end it is all well worth it.
I so envy your freedom, and I wonder how things would have been if I had quit working and stayed home, instead of providing the income which allowed us to give you and your brother the Montesorri start. Due to double digit inflation and the lifestyle we had become accustomed to, it was not possible on one income. But I love that you are able to be there 100% and don’t feel pressured to help out, outside of the home.
Well, as soon as I knew I was pregnant I started saving money much more. So while I don’t have an income, we do have a sizable “emergency fund” that I amassed last year.
Also if I was working, the money we would have to spend on childcare would just about make it not even worth it, especially given that a baby’s best caretaker in the first year is her mama anyway.
When I turned 18, my mother gave me a gold chain with a charm on it. She bought it in Paris in the 1960’s, well before I was born.
Now, it’s not my style at all–I usually wear silver or white gold. It makes me feel a little ghetto fabulous and I have rarely worn it. That said, every time I see it in my jewelry box, it makes me feel good. I think of my mother and how wonderful she was and still is as a mother. I suspect when Freya has grown up she’ll feel the same way about your jewelry. Think of the jewelry as presents you got for Freya before you even knew her.
Aw that’s lovely, Rose.
It’s definitely one of the many nice things about having a daughter.