Feeling off today. I think the sleep deprivation is starting to erode my brain. Last night when we went to bed, I tried to soothe and cuddle Freya to sleep without nursing and she was not having it. She had already been nursing, but not sleeping, just kind of thrashing around the way toddlers do, humming songs, the usual goofing off. So we de-latched and lay there. I sang to her, I cuddled her, talked softly to her, and read her the story she wanted, but she continued to fuss and ask to nurse and cry. Baby you are almost twenty months old, you need to start falling asleep without Mama. But no. And then it was almost quarter to ten. So, not wanting to raise her stress levels any further, I surrendered and of course, she was soon asleep. Sigh.

It’s not going to be a fight, with me “winning”. I know she will stop when she is ready. I just wonder when the heck that is going to be. I envision us laying in bed, me reading to her, and her eyes falling shut as she succumbs to her own exhaustion. Someday, this will happen.

Anyway, today is a gloomy gray mess outside. Oh and Freya was wide awake at 6:30. We have been practicing the alphabet and coloring and reading books this morning but I want to go outside. I just have no plan or motivation. We could take a walk, but that doesn’t give Freya any exercise. I don’t know. I am just blah lately. I feel overwhelmed. I have a TON of work to do around the house, and NO time to do it. I have a lot of writing in my head to get out, and again, zero time. Yesterday during Freya’s nap I started trying to clean her room, which has turned into a junk repository for her outgrown clothing and toys and crib bedding, and a bunch of Brian’s crap. I have to sort out what to consign, what to donate, what to give to friends/family, and so on. Energy is low.

I just want our house to feel like, for once, it isn’t in some state of unfinished-ness. My office is unfinished — still need to build shelves in the closet and get a table in there for crafting and get Brian’s dresser out. Freya’s room is a mess and needs to be painted and needs curtains. Though I am working on that; I found a seller on Etsy who will make curtains for me using this adorable owl print fabric. She’s also making curtains for my three office windows, using a yellow and white zigzag fabric that will look so cool (I hope — waiting on swatches first).

We took a step toward finally upgrading something in our house from cheap n’ crappy to beautiful. Our bedroom has this huge arched window. It faces a very bright street lamp right in front of the house, which shines into our room all night long because the half-moon part of the window isn’t possible to cover with normal blinds/curtains. I can’t believe we have put up with it for three years, frankly. And now that it’s summer, it also lets in daylight at five in the morning and ten at night.

One option was to get a fan-shaped shade, which would be fixed. It could not be opened, thus darkening the room during the day. Plus that would then sit on top of a square of blinds, and basically look shitty. I actually thought this was our only option. But then the guy from the blinds company came out to the house and told us about wood shutters. Duh. So we are getting those for both bedroom windows and they are going to be fantastic. Pricy, but a sound investment for sure. I’d actually love to then replace all of our cheap white plastic blinds in the house with stained wood ones. Hey, a girl can dream.

There is a LOT to change in our house. Floors, walls, roof, ugh. A lot. And not a bunch of money, so it will have to be spread over a few years. But in the end I would like to, for once, live in a place that I really, really love.