I’ve had this shitty cold for like three weeks, though it seems to now finally be fading. Last week, in the throes of snot and fatigue and coughing (which synced up perfectly with Freya’s birthday, a visit from her Grandma Sandy, and Halloween) I started feeling sick in my stomach, too. I attributed it to the ocean of phlegm I was unfortunately ingesting. Yeah, I know, gross.

Then one morning I woke up early, felt so nauseous and hungry I immediately began eating crackers. At 5am. Later I went downstairs to get my usual cup of coffee and found myself completely ambivalent about it. I figured that maybe it had something to do with my cold, but at this point I was also kind of in denial.

You see, for a few weeks now, whenever Freya has latched on to nurse, it has hurt like HELL. Like we just started for the first time. I was accustomed to a mild form of this around my period, but it didn’t let up. Then, the day my period was supposed to start, it was just a light spotting, and done. Definitely odd.

So at long last on Wednesday afternoon, I peed on a stick. I fled the bathroom and sat nervously on the couch, not sure what exactly I wanted to see, though I already was about 90% sure of the result. I crept back in to check five minutes later and there it was. Positive. I am pregnant.

Prior to my first pregnancy, we tried for over three years to conceive naturally, and finally succumbed to mildly invasive fertility treatments in order to have Freya. I was convinced that I am infertile for whatever reason, and might end up with a single child, though I knew I always wanted two. So this was a shock. It happened easily, less than a year after I started menstruating again following the first pregnancy, and happened on the very first occasion that Brian and I were together during what was (obviously) a “risky” (or fertile) time.

Of course I must remain cautiously optimistic for the next five to seven weeks. But so far, I feel pretty darn pregnant, continuously nauseous and unbelievably tired. This time will be different though. There will be no getting up at 6am every day, trying to avoid puking, and commuting for two hours each way to my office job. There will be no desperation 3pm candy bars because I am stuck at my desk and already ate the snacks I brought from home. There will be no running to catch a ferry or a bus. I can sleep in. I can have healthy food all day. And best of all: I have found a beautiful amazing network of mama friends to give me companionship and support that was sadly lacking the first time around. Plus, I have something else I didn’t have before: experience and confidence.

Doing it while caring for my toddler will be a challenge, but Freya is the light of my life and a joy to be around. I can’t wait to share this with her. I can’t wait to give her the sibling I always wanted to give her.